


It hurts sometimes

by Jujus_island



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Complete, Found Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Mental Health Issues, Mostly Gen, POV First Person, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Roommates, Sad Shadow, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shadow focused, Slow Build, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Team Bonding, Team Dark, Wholesome, impiled post-traumatic stress disorder, it'll get angsty soon I sware, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:40:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26883787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jujus_island/pseuds/Jujus_island
Summary: Incase of possibly losing his memory again, Shadow keeps a secret journal to chronicle his life. He ends up chronicling a lot more feelings than events, unfortunately.
Relationships: E-123 Omega & Rouge the Bat & Shadow the Hedgehog, E-123 Omega & Shadow the Hedgehog, Rouge the Bat & Shadow the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog & Sonic the Hedgehog
Comments: 12
Kudos: 45





	1. Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> *DISCLAIMER: This story contains themes of PTSD. While I did my research, I have no real-life experience with the disorder so PLEASE do not take this as an accurate representation of the disorder. Also, PLEASE read at your discretion, be safe! *
> 
> This chapter was originally the begging of another thing I ended up not writing but I felt that it would fit well for this. Feel free to skip it, it just gives an insight into what happened after Shadow first landed on earth.

Shadow the hedgehog, just his name alone gives a fair impression of his character. He has an intimidating and cold exterior, not unbeknownst to him. He already had his heart well guarded so that his appearance could serve as a physical representation of his cold and often dismissive attitude. He was a foil to Sonic’s boundless, unfaltering positivity that seemed to have an effect on all those who came in close proximity to him, an exception being Shadow himself. He often wondered what it would be like to be that openly vulnerable. He was always a stoic character but before, back on the ark, he did have someone who managed to see past his initial impression and speak to his heart, past his filters of judgment and self-doubt. 

This relationship was like no other to Shadow. It’s formation seemed effortless and uncomplicated like a lot of his current relationships. But it formed that way not by the unique nature of the two beings involved but because of circumstance. Being stuck on a space colony located 120,000 miles above the earth in the exosphere with only one other being of a comparable age also sets the stage of a deep emotional connection. This connection had a profound effect on Shadow. It changed his outlook on life multiple times, it taught him skills he still utilizes to this day but most importantly, it taught him unconditional love and compassion. 

This relationship was with no other than Maria Robotnik. The mutual love that they shared was not of the romantic verity, not in a million years, but it was deeper than platonic. Dispute the fact that they were not related, not even within the realm of possibility, they saw each other as siblings and treated each other as such. They could poke fun at each other without taking it personally, they knew things about each other that no one else knew, told secrets, stayed up all night together, played juvenile games, all the luxuries that came with caring for someone that deeply. When they were together, life on a hunk of metal oscillating around the earth at 17,000 miles per hour with all the repetitive bleak metallic halls and the monotonous tasks didn’t seem so bad. 

But it was all stripped away from him in an instant. In no more then a minute he stared through a glass barrier as his best friend, his sister, his reason for living literally and figuratively was fatally shot. She used her last moments of living to give her brother the life she always wanted but on the condition that he gives the inhabitants of earth the chance to be happy. Before he could process what had happened he was watching the only place he’s ever known grow smaller and smaller in the distance. The place he called home, the place that had his favorite window, his drawings, his favorite records, and his father and his sister. 

He continued to stare out the window but his view was obstructed by tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He blinked and three droplets pattered on the metal toe pick of his skates. Shadow entries the 1st stage of grief, shock and denial. 

“No… no no NO NO NO!” Shadow yells into space as crying turns into sobbing. He pounds his fists into the tempered glass to no avail. His feet join his vain attempt at trying to escape. “MARIA!” He cries out kicking and screaming still trying to escape his glass prison. In his dispersion he slams his body onto the glass, pushing his full weight onto the surface. He repeats this action, getting a running start to push up on the glass with. He continues to collide with the glass until he is left holding his arm in pain and limping. His final attempt was significantly weaker, as it was more accurate to say that he flung rather than slammed himself into the wall. After the initial impact, he slides down the glass onto the floor like a raindrop slides down a windowpane. 

He wraps his arms around his knees and pulls them into his shaking frame. The Ultimate life form was reduced to a sniffling, shivering, sobbing mess. His chest fur was matted from salty tears and his eyes were bloodshot from the onslaught of sobs. 

Eventually, Shadow hits the shimmering blue planet that he’s spent so many hours staring at from afar. He landed off the east coast, specifically in a small bay. 

His capsule plunged into the ocean and slowly floated up to the surface. Half of the capsule was above water but the bottom portion was under the water. The water was murky but scales of fish shimmered around him. Sunlight peered down onto Shadow as he laid there, on the cold, hard floor. This wasn’t anything like how he fantasized landing on earth. 

“And then we would feel the grass on our feet and I’d pick a flower and put it in your quills and you would get all grumpy- hey Shadow, what do you think grass will feel like?” Maria asked 

Shadow turned his attention away from the window and he looked at his best friend. She had these big blue eyes that seemed so gentle and innocent when you looked into them. 

“I don’t know, but the professor always said it felt slick and soft. He told me once he used to run around on grass.” Shadow responds

But if you looked deep enough into those ocean blue eyes, you could find an underlying sadness, like a candle that was slowly burning away.

Maria giggles in turn “Can you imagine Grandpa running sound anywhere?” The hedgehog and the girl started laughing. Quite an ironic sight to see, a grumpy black and red hedgehog with an almost permanent scowl sharing a genuine laugh with a naive and playful little girl. 

More tears slip out of the corners of Shadow’s eyes and hit the floor of the capsule as he recalls some of his favorite memories aboard the Ark. He silently cries himself to sleep curled on the bottom of the floor.

Shadow’s eyes peer open. Pink and blue sky filled his field of vision as he tried to remember exactly what was going on as he was still in the unique purgatory between sleep and awareness. He looks around, taking in everything around him. Yellow sand stretched for miles, which was fascinating to him as he’s only seen it in pictures. The fog in his mind slowly started to clear up as he remembered he is stuck in a pod.  
“Maria said something.. You press the button on the ceiling?” and he moved upwards to push a small red button that detached the bottom of the capsule from the glass encasing. Immediately the capsule was filled with smells that Shadow couldn’t pinpoint. The Ark never had salty oceans, freshly cut grass, and pine trees.  
He crawled out of the tube. He was taken aback by the strange texture of sand when he reached down to touch it. Suddenly, a light blared in Shadow’s eye, illuminating his figure against the dusk. Shadow held a hand to his eyes to prevent the light to further irritate his pupils.

“Found him! I’ll need enforcements, bring the sedatives.” Spoke a voice from the light. And before Shadow could catch on to what exactly was happening more lights appeared from where the first light came from. Some men in uniform moved forward.

Something caught Shadow’s eye, a logo on a man’s shoulder as he moved closer. A navy blue circle with a white “G” insignia in the center surrounded by white stars. The very same logo adorned by the same men who persecuted Shadow and Maria aboard the ARK.

Fury rose up from the initial confusion. He moved quickly yet blindly, kicking and punching. Throwing himself every which way. He fought tooth and nail to earn justice. After taking out multiple soldiers. He finally slowed down in his takedown. Which left him vulnerable to a stary dart filled with sedatives. 

It was only a moment before he fell limp, completely motionless beside his moving chest, rhythmically and slowly. A man covered head to toe in military gear picked up his body, careful not to harm his dangling limbs. He was carted off in a camo military truck guarded by a parade of police cars on all sides. 

Being pulled across the nation, whether it be by private jet, chopper, automobile or other means of transportation isn’t too shabby when you are unconscious for the entire duration of the trip. Shadow was kept on a strict diet of sedatives, Benadryl, Xanax, and about whatever could keep an alien hedgehog hybrid incoherent. His memory of his little road trip remains nothing more than a hazy dream of shackles and heavily armed guards. What he did remember, and could confirm was reality was the moments leading up to his imprisonment in the stasis chamber. 

They had him drugged up so good that he was practically paralyzed with the exception of involuntary actions such as breathing and eye movement. He couldn’t even muster enough leg strength to hold himself upright. He was placed into a tub with a robotic exterior and a cold metal interior. He just had no choice to stare as the glass lid came down over him and the pod was filled with liquid. This suspicious liquid induced an exhausted state of mind, the only thing Shadow wanted was sleep, he needed sleep.


	2. October 1st

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow takes up journaling as a new hobby, despite not knowing what exactly it is.

1/10

I know this is out of character for me. Nevertheless, I feel this is a necessity. I’m never, and I mean it when I say, never going through the mental gymnastics that I had to go through when I awoke from my fall to earth. I’m not going to bother introducing myself because if you don’t know me you shouldn’t be reading this, and if you do know me you ESPECIALLY should not be reading this. 

So why a standard, black and white college ruled notebook? I wanted the most unassuming notebook that I could find, and I happened to find this on an involuntary shopping trip with this bat girl Rouge, who was the first thing I saw and interacted with after my fall.  
According to her, we knew each other before I fell. I believe her, maybe because she’s quite good at manipulation, evident by the fact that she convinced me to go shopping with her, but also because I don’t really have any choice to trust her. Well, that’s not necessarily true, I could find my own way but it’s not practical given my condition. I have reason to believe her anyway, I have some vague memories of a white mobian. She could be playing me for a fool since these “memories” are more like fragments of a strange dream that I can’t recall the details of, but, as I said I don’t have much of a choice of who to trust or who not to.  
Actually, after some thought, I concluded that I don’t trust her. I just sort of following her lead, along with this robot E-123 Omega. Omega seems to know what it wants, that being to kill Eggman and, he has a clear trajectory of how to do so. I too, know exactly what I want but my path is unclear. All I want is to have my memories back, to simply know who I am. My head starts to spin when I think about it too much, so I will refrain from doing that for now.  
The only thing I did of substance today was be dragged to a store against my will. I’ve been sleeping on Rouge’s couch since non of my coherent memories contain a place of residence, I must admit I appreciate her hospitality. Before I found myself crashing here on her coach; in my limited spare time, I managed to find a quiet place with protection from the weather and easily accessible drinking water. When the bat women herd of this she seemed horrified and insisted I sleep on a couch at her place. So when I awakened this morning she greeted me with a smile that seemed sincere enough and insisted that I follow her on a “shopping trip”.  
She described to me what exactly a so-called shopping trip entailed, it didn’t give me the impression that I would enjoy it in the least. Nevertheless, I don’t have much to do and I figured this is the least I could do seeing as how she pleaded for me to accompany her. It seems she has done a lot for me with no perceivable outcome, suspicious.  
In case you forgot who you are, Shadow, you aren’t the most talkative hedgehog around. Rather, you soak up your environment like a sponge, digesting all the information, and ruminating over it rather than react. This perceptiveness certainly comes in handy, but it doesn’t make me the best company. So why does she insist I join her? I guess I’ll have to study her character closer. To see if her intentions are pure or selfishly motivated.  
Whatever the case is regarding her, I ended up purchasing or she rather ended up purchasing, seeing as I have no form of income, this notebook, a pen, a chocolate bar that I stealthy snuck into her shopping cart, shampoo, and other self-care items, and a wonderful multicolor quilt that gave me a sense of familiarity, despite the fact that I have no recollection of it. Rouge seemed amused when I brought it to her, why? I questioned her on it and she said “It’s nothing, I just never expected you to want such a thing, love.” What kind of response is that? Is it a crime to be comfy? I asked her why wasn’t supposed to have it. It’s not my fault I’m ignorant when it comes to these things. Her response went along the lines of “Oh sorry hon, I didn’t mean it like that! It looks quite nice actually, you might have to share." She gave me a coy wink as if to say there was something unspoken I was supposed to know.  
Well, this should suffice for now. I am new to this activity, so I’m not particularly skilled at articulating my thoughts on to paper yet, I will get better. I wonder if this activity has a name? If so, do humans or mobians partake in it? Have I invented something entirely new? I guess only time will tell. 

Shadow The Hedgehog


	3. October 3rd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow tries to map ou the few things he remembers about himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a lot of recapping and not a lot of angst (yet) but I want everything to feel natural so it might be a bit of a slow burn but we'll get there soon :)

There isn’t too much I know about myself. I know that my name is Shadow the Hedgehog. Rouge and plenty of others have referred to me with this name and I quite like it, it suits me. I know that I am the Ultimate lifeform, I’m not entirely sure how I know that information. It must have been ingrained into my brain somehow. I know that I am considered to be intimidating, which I am quite proud of. I know that I come from space somehow, but I can’t seem to get any details out of Rouge. I try and read her expressions but she has quite the poker face. No matter how hard I try to look for an ear twitch or look for a low brow she doesn’t budge expression wize. My three hypotheses are that 1. She doesn’t know and is too embarrassed to admit to her own ignorance on the subject, 2. It is a touchy subject, maybe taboo like some sort of curse word or talking about intercourse openly, or maybe something horrific that she cannot bear to recall or 3. It is something sinister and she has some sort of plan or feels regret. I’m hoping that it’s not the last option.   
I feel so much dread when I think about my past, I feel like I’ve done something bad and I don't exactly know why. It’s weirdly unsettling. They say ignorance is bliss but that obviously doesn't apply to me. I wonder if I've ever felt bliss, certainly haven’t felt that ever since I can clearly remember. It seems like happiness comes with ease to others like Rouge, and this other hedgehog, Sonic.   
Speaking of him, I seem to have a past with him. I was with Rouge and Omega on my journey to find Dr. Eggman when Sonic his two other friends (I believe their names are Knuckles and Tails, I really don’t know much about them.) They seemed surprised to see me, guess it makes scents. The thing that captivated me was just how similar we looked. At least to me, we seem to be related! He talked to me in a comedic way, joking as if we were friends. So he must know me.   
That Doctor, Eggman. He told me I have no past. It’s all BS. Why would I already have relationships if that was the case? But the thing I’m genuinely not sure about is if I’m Shadow. It sounds quite silly being written out on paper, to someone who isn’t me, but there are these robots that look just like me! How can a hedgehog even survive a fall through the atmosphere?   
I drove myself insane ruminating on it over and over again. I guess I couldn’t fathom the thought that I was just created just to fill a purpose and then be discarded, or that this was possibly my entire existence.   
I got myself alone one night. The sky was clear and I could see every star twinkle above me.   
I walked, taking my time, absorbing the world around me. I sought out the peace that couldn’t be found in my own chaotic head. But the thing is, you can’t leave your own head. The noise came back, but this time there was nothing to drown it out, no task, no battle, I was alone with my thoughts. I started to cry. I had to physically touch my face to believe it, and there it was. What I found was a thin stream of water trailing down my cheeks, dripping onto my shoes. I let the slow stream continue until I heard a rustle in the foliage. I quickly wiped the tears and corrected my disposition as if it never happened. 

Now I have to burn this book if it is found. 

-Shadow The Hedgehog


	4. October 6th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow has his first sleepover, courtesy of Rouge.

Last night, Rouge decided that we should have a “sleepover”. At first, I understood it to be sleeping, but in the same room as someone else. I figured she was scared and would feel safe if I was in the room with her. To my surprise, it wasn’t that at all. 

She set up a small sleeping bag on her fluffy bedroom carpet floor for me. I got in and attempted to fall asleep. She shook me awake and looked at me like I was out of my mind! I didn’t get it but she said we should do “sleepover stuff.” I wasn’t sure what that entailed exactly but I begrudgingly when along with it.   
She asked if I wanted to listen to music. I said I wasn’t interested. She put some on anyway.   
She put on a song by the name of “Come as you are” by Nirvana. I felt like it was speaking directly to me! The feeling I felt was indescribable, I guess I felt represented. Do others out there feel the same way I do? Lost and confused? Scared and alone? Before I finished my thought the song was over and another one started.   
Rouge asked me how I liked it. I let my “mask” slip a bit and told her I thought it was incredible! She seemed smug about it, proclaiming that she’d knew I’d like it. I rolled my eyes and continued to soak up the lyrics. I think I’ve found something incredible, the world of music!  
She took out a brush and brushed my quills. It was such a strange thing to do. She seems to think she’s entitled to my personal space and normally this bothers me, just who does she think she is? But the brush was oddly soothing. I feigned disinterest, I don’t want her to think I’m susceptible to enjoying these sort of little idiosyncrasies. I don’t think I did a very good job though, I was at ease which is out of character for me. I let my body de-tense and I had to restrain myself from moving into the brush strokes. Despite the end production looking rather nice, I sort of regret that moment. I wish I hadn't let myself be so vulnerable.   
She introduced a new activity, a pillow fight. She handed me a pillow and told me to smack her with it. Strange but I complained under the impression that it was some sort of training exercise, finally something in my element. I swung the pillow at her, knocking her off her bed onto the floor.   
I expected her to spring back with a counterattack but she got up looking dazed and irked. She walked me through how a pillow fight should go. Just lightly tap each other with fluffy pillows? I’m the Ultimate life form for god sakes. But, I am the guest and she is the host. It’s not like I have to have a smile on my face while I do it.  
So I hopped around and her purple and white comforter, making a fool of myself. That was until Rouge hit me square in the face with her pink silky pillow. I was stunned, it left my nose feeling sore! It wasn’t a game anymore, it was a war. We chased each other down parrying and lunging as if we were wielding deadly weapons and comforting our mortal rivals. We both were so wrapped up in our fantasy until I finally managed to knock her down as she laughed uncontrollably. She finally admitted defeat, with a smile on her face the entire time. I certainly wouldn’t be smiling if I had lost, I must admit I’m envious of her ability to laugh in the face of defeat.   
She had a TV mounted on the wall, above this messy white vanity she has with assorted photographs, and she insisted we watch a movie together. She made me take off my shoes so she could force me to sit on her bed. I don’t know why, but I listened to her and took off my skates. She said I was short! Once again, I am the Ultimate life form, the perfect being, I’m not short! I told her that I am, in fact, not short and she is delusional. She just laughed and called me adorable. Adorable is the LAST word I’d use to describe myself, I don’t why she insisted on belittling me. She apologized and said she was only teasing. I decided to forgive her when she handed me a bowl of popcorn, my first time trying it. It was quite good!   
She turned on the movie “A Nightmare Before Christmas” since it is October. I don’t get the significance of the month but choose not to question it. She insisted I sit on her bed and get “comfy”, and proceeded to “wrap me up like a burrito” in a blanket. It was childish but I was too tired at the time to protest.   
Not long after that, she turned off the lights and perched on a bar hanging across her bed. What’s the point of having a bed if you're not going to use it? I decided to return the favor from earlier, teasing her on how unnecessary her bed was if she was just going to sleep upside down. She said I was “sassy” in a comedic sort of way and bid me goodnight. I guess it doesn’t really concern me anyway.   
That was the end to our rather eventful night. I guess I get the point now, she seemed to be enjoying herself practically the entire time. I hate to admit it but it wasn’t too bad.

-Shadow The Hedgehog


	5. October 7th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some memories finally start to show themselves again, but without context, they mean next to nothing.

10/7 

So a sleepover doesn’t exactly help you sleep. The next morning we seemed to amble rather than walk. I was rather irritated, well when am I not, but more so than usual. Rouge had these dark brown beans, almost black in a sack on her countertop. They looked edible, so I took a handful and ate them. She stared at me “like a deer in headlights” or however the expression should go. I simply said “what?” and she seemed astonished that I was eating these coffee beans straight from the bag. It seemed to disgust her; I thought it might as well get revenge for the groggy state I’ve been left in thanks to her nefarious plans the night before. So I took another hand full and nonchalantly shoved it in my mouth. She sarcastically dry heaved. I inquired “why have these beans in your home if you hate them?” And she explained that they had the special property, basically they give you energy. I don’t know what her problem is because these beans are delicious, crunchy, and give you energy. 

Well anecdote over, I spent my day touring the park. When you can just enjoy the air the earth provides unadulterated, you get this peaceful sensation. When the air hits my quills and I am alone, I find my near-permanent irritation slowly slipping away. I was busy contemplating my place in the world when I heard a light sing-song voice that seemed to provoke an inkling of a feeling filed deep away in my mutilated memory. I saw a flash of gold before my eyes as if I was dreaming, but I was awake. It was a sensation I never experienced before. I turned my head to face the muse of this sudden vision.   
I was met with the face of a human child, a little girl, running in the grass several yards away. Instantaneously, an apparition of another young girl appeared before my eyes. I was transported to another place, this being an unnamed one colored with blues and greys. The girl had blue eyes that matched the scenery around as well as her outfit, along with this incredible golden hair that framed her delicate pale face. She spoke to me sweetly and slowly, she said to me “and then we would feel the grass on our feet and I’d pick a flower and put it in your quills and you would get all grumpy- hey Shadow, what do you think grass will feel like?”. And as soon as she appeared she vanished into nothing leaving me dazed. While I was there nothing was tangible, but as soon as I was back, in the park, the feeling of cool wind brushing through my fur returned as if it never left. The only thing it left behind was an impression on me.  
This moment left me with more questions than answers, a lot more questions. How did she know my name? Who was she? Where was this? Just how much brain damage do I have? What even was that? Is this normal? and so on and so forth. I sought out the little girl who triggered this strange apparition in the first place but she was nowhere to be found.   
The only lasting effect this had on me was this empty feeling deep in my core. Not the sort of sensation like hunger, but the kind that made your chest clench and your eyes precipitate if you thought about it too long. Like when a child loosens their grip on their helium balloon and it slowly floats away, just out of reach, as you watch it grow smaller and smaller until it is eventually so minuscule that it is lost to the immense, merciless sky.   
In layman’s terms, you could say I was disappointed and felt a tinge of sadness. But for no logical reason! Is this a side effect of the brain damage I must have obtained after falling from the sky, or whatever happened to me exactly, erratic and seemingly unprovoked emotions that is.   
I returned “home” to Rouge not long after my excursion. I described my current crisis to her, to my own dismay as I was acting quite desperately. She concluded that it was one of two things, a hallucination or a flashback. A hallucination is when you have sensations that something is there when it is in fact not. A flashback is sort of like a playback of a past memory before your eyes. Well, I didn’t think that the blond was actually right there before my eyes, I knew what I was seeing wasn’t reality. So I was delighted at the implication that it could be a memory.   
This sort of came out of left field, but I asked her why she chooses to do all these things for me, like giving me a place to sleep and providing me with food and choosing to spend time with me. It all seems so suspicious. She explained that she considered me a friend. But why? I don’t necessarily consider her a friend. I can’t imagine myself being very enjoyable to be around.   
Maybe she has empathy that I lost on my violent trip to earth? I know I come across as indifferent to an extent where it comes off as contempt, that certainly isn’t my intention but I don’t seem to have that spectrum of emotions that others do. I wonder if I am outgoing and emotional. When I say "I" I mean like the true me, before the amnesia.  
My head is starting to spin. I think I’m going to sleep under the stars tonight.


	6. October 8th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow runs into a familiar face.

10/8

Practically as soon as I got to the park last night, I passed out under a tree in a small clover path that seemed secluded enough for me. One minute I was staring at the twinkling sky and the next I woke up to a pair of emerald green eyes staring back at me. That Hedgehog, Sonic had found me passed out in the dirt.   
I asked him what the actual hell he was doing looking at me with that strange expression. Then he asked me why I was passed out in the park. It wasn’t his business and he was starting to irritate me, already bothering me the moment I opened up my eyes, so I simply walked away. He matched my pause, following me around asking me a million and one questions. He was getting on my last nerves asking me things I didn’t really have an answer to. “What happened to you.” “How did you survive?” “Are ya feelin alright.” “Why didn’t you switch with me.” Finally, he asked me something I could answer. “Wanna race?” 

So we dart across the town, forming a blue, black pair of parallel lines respectively. There was no clear end goal, I just progressively swung my legs faster and farther trying to outrun him but he matched my pace and then some. Needless to say, I was fairly impressed. This rather unassuming, everyday hedgehog has managed to keep up with the ultimate life form. 

Our race eventually came to a stop as we had both run out of breath and, we ran all the way across the city and our path would no longer be linear. There was no clear winner but I’m pretty sure it was me.

“Hehe guess what, now that you're all tired out I can ask you all the questions I want too and you can’t run away.” 

Sonic really thought he was going somewhere with that, guess he forgot that I can, in fact, teleport in the form of chaos control. I let him bask in his “ingenious” simply out of curiosity of what he truly wanted from me. 

He continued to ask what had happened to me, and to his dismay, I couldn’t give him a concise answer. I fell from the sky, lost my memory, that’s all I know. It seems that he knows a lot more on this particular subject that I do.

He finally said something of substance, he told me that there are these 7 emeralds, the chaos emeralds that perform all sorts of miracles. We had a brief conversation consisting of mostly him talking, telling me that people I’ve never heard of missed me and wanted to know what happened to me. He asked if I wanted to hang out, I wasn’t sure what that entailed but I was already overwhelmed so I declined. He said he’d see me around, for some reason I don’t doubt that.


	7. October 12th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow finally tries to have fun for once in his life.

10/12  
It just so happened by chance that I had happened to see that Robot again. His name is Omega if I haven't already mentioned it. Remember how I said he knew what he wanted and how to get there or something like that. Well, I was mistaken, he seems to be just as aimless and adrift as I. I had actually found him just sort of drifting around the city. I approached him and asked him where he was off too, I was in dire need of some sort of adventure, or at least an ephemeral purpose. He said that he wanted to find Eggman, he...or it, not exactly sure the appropriate pronouns, wanted to finish what he started. I could tell he didn’t really know where to start, lost recognizes lost I guess.   
We had a silent understanding that we were “working together” if you could call it that but really we were just aimlessly running around looking for clues. We seem to have many similarities, like that we both aren't the social type, both are prone to violence and are just sort of drifting through life, failing to find purpose. The silence was starting to get painful after many failed attempts at finding Eggman's base. I hated to admit it but we needed assistance.  
I asked him if he remembered Rouge, that batgirl. He said, “how could I forget.” He certainly had a point with his quip. So we turned around, all the way back running back to her apartment. I hadn't seen her since the 7th so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I honestly have no clue when was the last time Omega and Rouge saw each other. She had mentioned his name multiple times in passing, seemingly to herself, wondering where he had gone off too, what condition he was in, in passing concern.  
When we were met with a closed door, Omega practically ravaged the slightly gaudy door trying to draw her attention. Talking to him casually while he beat Rouge’s front door seemed to have humanized him to the extent that I forgot he is a killer robot capable of mass carnage with his pre-installed machine guns. The swift repatriation of pounds in the door finally had Rouge answer the door. Upon opening the door we were greeted with a groggy, exhausted face. But when her cerulean eyes rose to meet our rather eager faces, she began to beam with happiness.   
“I missed you guys! Does this mean team dark is back in action!” I gave her a small cursory smile with my nod and Omega shot out “AFFIRMATIVE!” I hadn’t expected her to miss me, yet she did. Maybe I’ve misjudged her character. She pointed it out to us that maybe running in blind with no back up might not be the best idea. As much as we hate to admit it, she had a point. But we were all here, getting antsy from sitting around.

We were off to the races, all traveling in our unique way to find one of Eggman's numerous bases. We figured we could get more information on him to be better prepared to take him down. She also said it could get her ahead in her job, and I guess I might as well help her, she did provide me shelter.   
There are plenty of things to discredit Rouge for, her vapid gossip habit for instance but one you could not deny is her ability to track down about anything! She located Eggman’s base faster than I or Omega ever wished we could. I was practically sweating with anticipation, really just wanted to let loose a little today, just live a little.   
I hopped on to the roof of the metallic base and brought my foot down at full force in an attempt to break open the roof. I needed some sort of release for my pent up emotions so I figured I could smash through the ceiling since it’s just Eggman, it’s not like I’m really distorting property if it’s Eggman’s. My actions seem to have some sort of effect on my so-called teammates. They started just to act just as erratically as I was, trashing the place, so I followed suit, thrashing around, testing my physical strength, and getting a better handle on my chaos powers.   
It started slow, but quickly we got lost in it, flexing our abilities. Rouge found a shelf filled with various items and gadgets and sort of started throwing them into the air to see them crash down and brake on the floor. She threw one up and I aimed a chaos spear at it. She did it again and once again I launched my spear at it, impaling the small machine in mid-air. This quickly became a game between us, Omega joined in as well, both launching and gunning-down objects. We took turns in who would throw and who would attack. Rouge would fly up and Kick the objects while me and Omega would throw the objects in her direction and so on and so forth.   
I started genuinely smiling, it was kind of a silly game but oh so invigorating. We were too involved in our games to realize that an onslaught of robots had ambushed us. Instead of being intimidated, my teammates and I looked at each other with an expression of confidence and resistance. In that brief moment, when we seemed to speak with the absence of words, I had gained a new understanding of them which was only solidified when we dismantled each and every robot in the facility.   
Once we were done Rouge remarked that the robot attack “had given her a good work out” and she bid us farewell. I assumed I was just going back to her place so I followed her anyway, and Omega had nowhere, in particular, to go to my knowledge so he followed as well. She gave us a quizzical glance but let us continue to follow her without question.   
At the end of the day, it was decided that both Omega and I would stay in her apartment indefinitely. She ordered “Taco Bell” for all of us. Omega insisted on sitting with us despite the fact that he can’t eat, Rouge chalked it up to be him wanting to be part of the “family”. I don’t know what she’s talking about since there is no feasible way a Bat, a Hedgehog, and a robot are related but I always liked the idea of a family so I didn’t bother to contest it. I asked if randomly trashing one of Eggman’s bases would get her in trouble at work, she gave me a wink and responded with “maybe, but it was worth it wasn’t it hon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hell yeah, team darks back baby :)! Sorry, this took me a lot longer then usual, life started to get hectic with school but don't worry I won't keep you hanging too long.


	8. October 19th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow's off to find the emeralds.

10/19

A piece of my past came to visit me apparently, just as the metaphorical dust was settling in my life. I was on a hill, mulling over that image of that little girl getting shot that plays in my head on repeat. Oh yes, this is a new development, more and more scenes of that delicate blond girl play before my eyes every day. Despite the interruption, I don’t mind her sudden presence. She moves about the world with a sort of cadence and charm that I find oddly comforting. And in my situation, I don’t particularly mind being transported somewhere else for a moment. My life isn’t exactly enviable, to say the least, I don’t know what it means to feel completely secure, I don’t remember the feeling of safety but these “flashbacks” provide a calm distraction for my constant inner monologue.   
That was until a new image entered my subconscious. It was while I was out on one of my evening walks. I heard a distant yet shocking loud bang from what I now understand to be a “firework” after an explanation from Rouge. Upon hearing this noise I was instantly transported into a memory of that same girl. Only this time it wasn’t tranquil and serene as it always had been.   
When I was there, my chest felt tight, like I couldn’t breathe. I was behind a glass barrier, just watching her stare at me and then fall limp on the floor after being fatally shot. It all sort of faded away once I heard myself yell out “Maria” and then like nothing I was back in the park, staring at nothing.   
I don’t know what or who a Maria is, I wish I did. Maybe it would give me a clue as to why a big huge floating demon-like creature, for lack of a better term, felt the need to approach me. He knew my name, someone from my past I suppose. He instructed me to find the 7 chaos emeralds. Thinking over all the information I have, the chaos emeralds performing miracles, the fact that he knew my name I concluded I might as well go search for them. This strange creature could very well be a hallucination, like Rouge described, but his presence felt too real. It’s not like I have anything to lose so I dove into the city of metropolis, where I could feel a sort of electric presence throughout my body.  
I met up with that blue hedgehog seemingly out of nowhere. Is he stalking me or something? At least he made himself useful and helped me get the useless aliens out of my way, he also gave me encouragement. Why? I didn’t need it. He scolded me for using this human weapon, a gun was it? I didn’t have time for his shenanigans really, he even tried to have some sort of competition, like a petulant child. What a strange guy, pretending as if he knows me.  
I made my way to find the first chaos emerald. I’m not sure what I expected, but a beautiful blue shimmering rock wasn’t it. That’s when it dawned on me that I didn’t know what an emerald is. I’m going to keep this little factoid to myself. It wasn’t long before I found another one, this one was green in hue. Despite not understanding what an emerald is, I knew what to do with it as if it was instinctual.   
The demon from before beckoned to me. Telling me to find more. I know now it’s reality since the silly blue hedgehog saw him as well. I made it clear to him I had no alliance, only myself interest. I don’t know who these demons and hedgehogs think they are but I’m fed up with being told what to do. Apparently, humans are telling me what to do now too, but their Instructions are more vague like “don’t move” and “please have mercy”. Between all the commotion I simply can’t think straight and my head starts to reel.   
It was only after I executed a horrid alien creature known as black bull that I managed to slip through the cracks. I ran to a place where I could hopefully avoid all the commotion and contradictions that surround me. I ran to Rouge’s apartment. As silly as it sounds, it was somewhere familiar. And it was better than the alternative, being somewhere out in the open susceptible to more unwanted opinions or alien attacks or what have you.   
Rouge wasn’t here, I suspect it has something to do with her rather demanding job. I hope she won’t find out that I stole some extra pillows and blankets from her room. I don’t need her knowing that I require sleep and don’t just do it for a break, which is to my knowledge what she believes given my ultimate life form title. She has never questioned it. She also granted me a “key” to her apartment, I don’t hope to lose that privilege with something as idiotic as stealing blankets. If she found out, she’d have more reason not to trust me. But, I can’t help but feel I deserve to “borrow” these items considering the day I’ve had and the long road ahead. This entire day felt like an illusion. Like some sort of strange fever dream.   
I turned on the tv to tune out my inner thoughts, I was listening to a woman speak on the tv when I had a sort of auditory flashback. A soft voice called to me “Please, please Shadow”. I looked all over to find the source of that noise but nothing came of it. I will update when I can find the source but it’s rather difficult when on a journey to find 7 magical crystals in the midst of an alien invasion.   
I will learn to be grateful for my brief moments of solitude it seems. I wonder what the demons want with the emeralds anywhy? It’s not like it matters to me, my objective is to get my memories back. Nothing else matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever! I kinda lost motivation for this fic but it's coming back! Also, I kinda got obsessed with a ship as you can see on my profile and school decided to kick my ass out of literally nowhere. Don't worry, this and maybe some of the next one is going to be the only chapter(s) that have my interpretation of Shadow 2005 and I'm going to focus more on his emotions than the plot of the game.


	9. October 26th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *This chapter contains themes of suicidal thoughts/ideation. PLEASE, please, please don't read this if you are at risk! Don't be Shadow, stay safe, and seek help if you need it! Remember you are loved!*
> 
> Shadow regians his memory.

10/ 26

It’s been a week. I have my memories back. 

I when to casino zone and collected rings for the fox, I went to the forest and slaughtered the aliens for Rouge, killed black bull (again), flew back to the ark with Sonic, experienced the most lucid, heartbreaking flashback I’ve ever had, got to the black comet, collected all the emeralds, found out I’m part alien, went into my super form, destroyed the black comet with the eclipse cannon, and vowed that my past was behind me. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was all for her.  
She died protecting me, I was created for her and she died protecting me. It was my fault all along that she’s dead. I failed her. I’m nothing but a botched science experiment, a waste of money, research, time. I shouldn’t be here. She should be here, enjoying every single bit of this planet as she always dreamed. Instead, I’m here, living an existence beyond my means and not even enjoying it. I was the one to take her place and survive the ark, and I can’t even say that I’m grateful. I should be kissing the ground I walk on, revealing in every second I’m taking in authentic earth air like we said we would all those years ago. But my mood only ever falls on a septum of anger to nothing to misery ever since I found myself on this planet. On the ark, I promised myself happiness here, but now I find myself disillusioned with this planet for no valid reason. It is all that I hoped it would be. Free and expansive, charming, and diverse. But yet all I can do is evaluate and reevaluate my own pitiful existence drawing on new conclusions as to why my creation was a mistake. Maria would be gravely disappointed. I’m a stain on her legacy.   
And I can’t help but question the great doctors intentions, why would Gerald give me a heart if I wasn’t supposed to feel so much pain? Why did he make a military-grade weapon and give it emotions? Why? Why did he give me alien blood, just to utilize me against them? He gave a living breathing creature immortality, destined to a long, grueling life of outliving loved ones, why? Why would he do that to someone he claimed as a son, someone he claimed to love?

Was my existence nothing but a science experiment, to prove a hypothesis? It couldn’t all be to cure NIDS as he claimed, he chose the most unethical method available to do so, why? Did he plan to keep me alive, after my purpose was fulfilled just to prove immortality was possible? Why didn’t he just put me to rest after all the experiments that were forever ingrained in my mind? If he wanted to create the Ultimate life form why did he only work on the physical aspect of the concept and neglect the mental aspect leaving me susceptible to trauma? Why did he train me to fight so ruthlessly? Was it to be sold to the government? Maria didn’t need a personal bodyguard who knows six separate ways to break someone’s spine. Was I just a cog in the machine all along in the long ploy for revenge for Maria’s unfortunate circumstance? Was I created to be a vessel of destruction? Was I made to be evil? I don’t want to be that way! But I’m so violent and bitter and resentful of everything. I don’t want to hurt others but how do I know I won’t lash out against them? How do I know I won’t be manipulated again?   
At this point, my life has no discernible direction. I don’t want to return to Rouge. I know she’s strong, but I’m a weapon, I could hurt her and she doesn't deserve that. I could find Omega, but I’d only be a negative influence, injecting principles of brutality and anguish he’s working to unlearn. I could bother Sonic, but I’d only be a damper on his jubilant disposition. I already fulfilled Maria’s promise, and there are others to carry it to fruition. I have no place on this earth. It’s evident I don’t belong here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really hope this chapter wasn't too much for anyone, I know it's a jarring shift in tone and very angsty. Also, I made sure to add appropriate tags pertaining to this chapter.
> 
> I got re-evaluated recently and apparently, there is a "severe discrepancy between my basic reading skills and my intellectual ability" and "my academic achievement was determined to fall below those of grade/age level peers, especially with regard to basic reading" (basically I'm still very dyslexic and salty about it) so very sorry if there are any misplaced words since I tend to spell horrifically and it autocorrects to a completely different word and I sometimes read it wrong and don't catch the mistake.


	10. November 1st

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow talks to Rouge.

11/01

Rouge found me. For the past four days, I’ve been squatting in the forest. It’s not hard a hard task when you don’t eat, sleep, or drink. I’ve also lived a pretty sedentary lifestyle the days I’ve been here. It reminds me of the days, back on the ark when Maria was going through one of her worst periods and she had to be quarantined to a hospital bed. 

I wasn’t trusted, I’m only a science experiment after all. And without her, I don’t know what to do with myself. So I sat, staring out of the windows, waiting for an ephemeral purpose to fill my time. 

I’m lost without her. 

I’m lost in a world that’s alien to me, with no family or home. I returned to the park that I first had a vision of her presented to me. I searched for a purpose but all roads lead back to her. 

Rouge insisted that I follow her back to her Apartment. I don’t care what happens to me now, I don’t care enough to put up a fight, so I go where ever the wind carries me. She insisted I eat something, I wasn’t interested. She insisted I take a nap, I wasn’t interested. She insisted I take a shower, I wasn’t interested. Nothing she proposed sounded appealing, if I was to be honest with myself there wasn’t anything in the world I did want to do.

Eventually, she sent me down on the couch and asked where I’ve been. I told her it didn’t matter. She told me I mattered, I told her I didn’t.

We divulged into a conversation, it started when I expressed my sorrow over being a failed experiment. She told me I wasn’t, I explained that I was. I expressed my regret over being created. She told me that I am loved, I told her that I’m not, I’m unlovable. 

She informed me that she loved me. I’m not sure how that’s possible, to be honest, I see myself as an abomination. When she told me she cared about me again, I couldn’t stop it, I was so pathetic. I couldn’t help but cry, the tears streaming down my muzzle, the physical representation of my failure.

I’m broken, I told her that I’m broken, I know that I’m broken. I’ve caused so much anguish and destruction. I’d give anything to be good again. To be what Maria thought I’d be, to be a success in her eyes. 

She hugged me tight, which somehow only caused me to cry harder. I don’t know why she bothered to take pity on me, I don’t know what I did to deserve her affection after all the horrible things that I’ve done, all the horrible things my creation has led to. I’m thankful to have her, if I trust anyone left on earth, it’s her. 

I was a weeping mess for about an hour, I was reduced to a shaking child desperately gasping for air. It was a pathetic display but… it felt good, a cathartic event, releasing in a sense. She said that she’d be there for me, no matter what, and I don’t doubt her. She told me she was going to look into getting me help. I don’t know what that entails but, I don’t have much of a choice to listen.

I don’t know what life has in store for me, if I wasn’t immortal I’m sure I wouldn’t be still walking this earth. I’m not excited, knowing the course of my life so far I am obligated to feel pessimistic. But Rouge had said to me, I can only go up from here. 

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

**Author's Note:**

> *DISCLAIMER: This story contains themes of PTSD. While I did my research, I have no real-life experience with the disorder so PLEASE do not take this as an accurate representation of the disorder. Also, PLEASE read at your discretion, be safe!*
> 
> Writing journals is pretty cathartic for me irl so I thought it might be for Shadow. I finally got motivated to write this after reading a post from Superemeralds on Tumblr (here's the link https://superemeralds.tumblr.com/post/176561999320/lost-and-found-lyrical-character-analysis-for) and I'm pretty inspired by it, definitly check it out! I'm also using this as writing practice and I'm dyslexic so sorry for any mistakes I might make, please point it out if a word seems out of place since I have trouble reading from time to time. Hope you enjoy!


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